Embryo Transfer (Petri Dish Babies)

Well, it happened!

Last Thursday at 2pm, two little "petri dish babies" made their way

into where they will (hopefully) be spending the next 9 months!!

Holy cow, they're seriously in there?!

It doesn't seem real yet, and I'm not sure if it ever will.

The idea that I could be pregnant, right here and now...

... it's pretty surreal.

Anyway, rewinding to the day of the transfer...

I woke up super early that morning, and I was instantly awake.

Now that my pain was almost completely gone, I wasn't nervous in the slightest.

I was getting impregnated today!!

I took a nice long bubble bath, taking extra time to get ready.

Just because I could, it made me happy. :)

Colin gave me a blessing before heading to work,

which made things even better.

The anticipation was killing me! I was watching the clock like crazy!

We got to the office right on time, but for some reason they were running behind.

We had to sit in the waiting room for about a half and hour,

but I was in such a good mood that I didn't mind waiting a little longer.

Colin and I were pretty silly, talking and laughing.

The front desk lady asked me if I'd received my Valium yet

(they give you Valium on the day of the transfer because it's a muscle relaxer and it prevents your uterus from doing any crazy contracting)

She seemed surprised when I said no, probably because Colin and I seemed so happy.

:)

When the RN took us back, the room looked just like the room from my ER.

The lights were dim, the table had a comfy blanket and pillow, just overall relaxing.

They gave me a Valium and let us know Dr. Maas would be in shortly.

They let us wait for about fifteen minutes for the Valium to kick in, but to be honest I didn't really feel any different when they started. 

I didn't say anything, though, because I just wanted to get started already! :)

Apparently the Valium had kicked in, but I didn't feel it until after, more on that later.

So Dr. Maas and the RN worked together to get the ultrasound set up properly.

Since the ultrasound was pelvic instead of - you know, vaginal - ick! - the RN just had to hold the little sensor to my tummy once she found the right position and that was that.

The catheter wasn't all that bad, it was that stupid clamp

(you know, the ones they use during a pap smear).

It actually felt similar to a pap smear, which was way better than I was expecting.

They kind of rinse everything out before they get started

(TMI, but they have me on a vaginal progesterone cream every morning to boost my chances of conception)

They turned the screen towards us (Colin was sitting in a chair next to my bed)

so we could watch everything, and he showed us as he got the catheter into place near the uterine lining.

This room was connected to the laboratory, and the door connecting the two was now open and a tech was there holding the tube with my babies in it!

Once the catheter was in place, the tech handed him the second catheter tube.

The tube holding the embryos was slightly smaller than the already placed catheter, 

so all the Dr has to do is thread it through and he's there.

It was a really special moment to see the little white specs floating through that catheter.

The Dr. informed us that the specs weren't the embryos themselves,

but it was the fluid surrounding them that we were seeing.

I tried really hard not to cry during this, but how exciting is that?!

I got to watch my little petri dish babies float right up in there!

I was over the moon happy, and the Dr. even froze the ultrasound before removing the catheter so he could capture our very first ultrasound picture of them!

They're kind of hard to pinpoint at first, but if you look closely

They are underneath the two darker circles.

They are little white masses, they almost look like they're connected.

So I guess it kind of looks like a white line, but there they are! :)

I have been given strict instructions to remain on bed rest for 2 to 4 days,

so naturally I didn't make a move from that couch until day 5.

I have been doing everything in my power to remain as calm and still as possible.

Bed rest has made me absolutely crazy, especially after having been on it for almost a week before the transfer, but I don't want to have any regrets.

They call this the 2 week wait (2ww) in the IVF community, and it's been hard.

Now, here comes the serious question:

What if it doesn't work?

I've had several people ask me in the past week, for good reason.

Trust me, it's something that has been on my mind since before we even began this whole process.

The Dr. told us we have a 60-65% chance of success with these particular embryos,

but we always need to plan for every possible outcome.

It's hard for me to think about, but I'll have to face it like an adult.

I've spent all of this time feeding my desperate hope for good news, and now the time has come to face the reality that things may not work out how I am picturing them.

My answer to that question, after much reflection, is as follows:

If it doesn't work, it will be hard. It will feel impossible to recover from, and I know that. I will want to be alone, I will need to be alone, at least for a while. I will cry, and sleep, and pretty much shut the world out for a while, but I don't see anything wrong with that. Infertility is one of the hardest things a person could go through, especially for those of us who want children as badly as I do. One thing that I've learned from the life I've lived is that sometimes you need to cry it out, sometimes you need to let yourself grieve. I'm not going to attempt to "appear" okay, because I won't be. Ultimately, I'll be okay though. I've gone through many disappointments before, seen countless months of negative pregnancy tests, and I've always bounced back. I'll get through this because my Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and I'm confident that He is taking care of me and my family. I will fast and pray for strength, and eventually open up to family and friends for support, and then I will be happy again. I will strive to be a better wife, a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend, and a better aunt to my sweet nephews - and I will be okay.

That's the cold, hard truth.

Even now, I struggled to hold back tears as I wrote those words.

But I'm trying to focus on the good.

I mean, 65% is a really high chance.

There's so much good that has come out of this,

I've learned so much about myself.

It turns out I'm a lot stronger and braver than I thought I ever could be.

And 65%. :)

65% chance that I could end up with one (or even two) little spirit(s) to add to our family.

I could be growing two little people inside of me right this moment.

That, in itself, is a beautiful thought.

Please keep our family in your prayers at this time,

not necessarily asking for the embryos to "stick",

but to give our family the comfort and peace to get through whatever happens.

We'll be better for this experience, I know it. We already are better. :)

Now, I know I've been really open during this whole process about how we've been feeling and what we've been going through,

but at this time I'm going to have to take myself away for a while.

My family needs time to process the news, good or bad,

and I will need time to prepare a cute little announcement,

or time to properly "pull myself together".

Don't expect any Facebook or blog posts for a while regarding my IVF journey. I am distancing myself from the social media community until after. I'm sure you understand.

Thank you so much for all of your support throughout all of this, this blog has been very therapeutic for me - almost like a journal - through this process.

I know my babies are in good hands until I meet them. :)

Egg Retrieval and Recovery (yuck!)

Yes, I'm still alive!

I apologize that it's been so long since I've updated my blog,

it's been a very emotional, crazy week and a half.

I'll start where I left off on my last post. :)

So Thursday and Friday of that week were pretty miserable.

I had never experienced anything like the discomfort I was feeling in there,

and it made me not want to do anything.

There were so many things that I wanted to do before the egg retrieval,

because I was going to be on "couch" rest for a few days,

but my sore, swollen body just wouldn't have any of it.

Instead I focused on just surviving,

with both the discomfort and the nerves.

Thursday was my last appointment before the retrieval.

My follicles were "HUGE", according to the RN who helped me.

The largest one on my right side was measuring at 24.8 mm,

and that was on THURSDAY.

I was then provided with my "trigger shot"

and I was instructed to take it on Thursday at exactly 10 pm.

I was really nervous when the time came to administer it,

but it felt exactly like the Ganirelex.

I thought it was supposed to be the most painful,

and I was pleasantly surprised. :)

Friday was a quiet day since I didn't have to keep my appointment,

but the nerves definitely started to kick in.

My sister (and her boys) put together and delivered this sweet "surgery survival kit" for me, which I absolutely loved! Snacks, Dr. Pepper, and a Chick Flick? Doesn't get any better than that! :)

My egg retrieval (ER) surgery was scheduled for that Saturday morning at 10.

and I hadn't had surgery since I was 9 months-old.

I had no idea what to expect, and it freaked me out.

I take back what I said in my previous post about not being nervous,

I got SO nervous on Friday night, I was literally pacing the room before bed.

The night before the surgery, I got a call from my designated Nurse Anesthetist.

Her name was Mo, and she was very endearing - and hilarious! :)

It was comforting to laugh at the time, she's very good at her job.

Basically she called to ask questions about my medical history and things like that,

she also advised me not to eat anything after midnight.

My pre-op sheet also said to wear loose-fitting clothes, have a "designated driver" for afterwards, and to not wear make up.

I still don't quite get the "no make-up part", but I didn't anyway.

Check in on the morning of the surgery was 9:30,

and I was starting to get pretty jittery in the waiting room

even after I had worked so hard to calm myself before leaving the house.

and then, my Mom walked through the door!!

Oh my goodness, I'm not going to lie, I totally cried!

The center is right down the street from St. Luke's downtown,

which is where my Mom had just finished her night shift.

It was seriously a minor miracle - she didn't even know where we were going to be.

She just happened to walk into the right room at the right time.

:)

So I had my Mom and my husband there with me, talking and laughing,

and everything was perfect. All my fear dissipated.

We chatted for about ten minutes before Mo came out and introduced herself.

She was just as kind as she sounded, she walked right up to me and gave me a big hug!

They were ready for me, so I gave Colin a kiss, 

hugged my mom goodbye and followed her back.

The operating room was small and the lighting was dim,

which actually comforted me even more for some reason.

Mo kept me talking the whole time, laughing and joking.

I was surprised at how funny I was being, like really.

:) 

I know that sounds weird, but being nervous makes me crack jokes apparently.

My Mom had informed me that they were most likely going to use Versed,

and she has had it several times and says it's kind of nice. :)

Colin's Mom has had it before as well, and she enjoyed it enough to write a poem about it.

I might have to look it up and post it on here, because I completely agree!! Haha!

Once I was in my little hospital gown (so stylish),

Mo came back in and got started on the IV.

I felt a little nervous at this point, since I've never had an IV,

and I remember cracking some joke about a piece of equipment that looked like a fridge.

The nurses all laughed pretty hard at it, so it must have been funny.

Then I grinned at them and said, "Just wait, I'm not even on drugs yet."

Wow, I am such a dweeb. Childbirth is going to be just a big comedy act for me.

The IV was not fun.

Mo is great at what she does, I have complete confidence,

but she had a little trouble getting the needle into the vein in my wrist.

That achey feeling will always be embedded in my memory.

Ick!

Here is a picture taken about four days later.

(the needle was in the side of my wrist, where the red is)

Man, she blew that vein to smithereens!

I remember she thought she had it in place, so she left it in there for probably two or three minutes.

I didn't say much for the first bit, just because I didn't know what to expect an IV to feel like.

Then she realized that it probably wasn't an ideal placement,

and went for the top of my hand instead.

Wow, it felt like a dream compared to the first one! :)

She warned me at that point that I was going to start feeling a cold sensation running down my arm, but then I would feel really good. :)

Immediately that cold feeling came, and it was weird

but I liked it

Maybe not so much liked the sensation, but at that point I think I realized

that the worst part was over, for me at least. :)

I cracked another joke, but I can't really remember it. I started feeling really tired.

The last thing I remember was Dr. Maas coming in and saying hi,

and me saying something ridiculous and making them all laugh again.

Then Mo told me that sometimes the Versed works faster if I raise my arm in the air.

So I eagerly raised my right hand into the air,

making them all laugh and being reminded that the IV was in my left hand.

The instant I lifted the correct arm is when I forgot everything after that.

Versed is pretty great, guys, I'm just throwing that out there now.

I felt like I was freaking floating! Haha

So the procedure itself only takes about half and hour to forty five minutes, I think.

It felt like longer to me, oddly enough, even though I was out for the whole thing.

I felt like I had been sleeping for hours when I finally started coming to.

I vaguely remember someone leading me into the recovery room

(which is really small, barely room for a comfy little armchair and a chair for hubs) 

Whoever led me there also put a really comfy heating pad on my tummy and a glass of water.

I probably looked like a weirdo, cuz my eyelids were still SO heavy and I was trying SO hard to open them. It makes me laugh just thinking about what I must have looked like.

I finally was able to open my eyes all the way when I heard them bring Colin in.

Now that's true love, people. ;)

Anyway, Dr. Maas either came in with Colin or shortly after,

because all of the sudden he was there talking to me.

His intention was to tell us how the surgery went, but the first words out of my mouth were:

"Did I say anything crazy when I was out?"

I am such a child. Ugh.

He laughed and said "no", which was kind of disappointing.

I have a feeling I'd be a really boring drunk. The world will never know.

Anyway, he then informed us that the surgery went really well.

They were able to extract 25 eggs,

which is really awesome!

I was a little deflated by that at first, 

just because I'm competitive and was hoping for more,

but 25 is an awesome number!

They sent all the eggs to the lab to be fertilized immediately by Colin's "contribution",

and he let us know that he would call us in a couple of days to let us know how they do.

They also gave us post-op instructions to Colin, probably because I was still super high,

and said I can take some time to wake up before Colin takes me home.

I remember all I wanted to do was sleep, and the heating pad felt SO nice.

Colin was eager to get me on my feet, which was good of him to do, because I was pretty set on spending the next 48 hours in that comfy chair. :)

After who knows how long, I finally allowed him to take my arm and lead me to the car.

I remember not feeling super sore yet, 

but the Versed was doing weird things to my stomach.

I asked Colin if he would go to the store and get a heating pad like the one they had,

and we had to go to the pharmacy to pick up my Norco.

The Dr. said I would need it soon. :/

I don't remember the pharmacy at all, because I fell asleep almost instantly in the car,

but shortly after Colin got back and started driving to the store

the puking started.

Now, keep in mind, everyone's body is different when it comes to handling meds.

I've always been such a lightweight.

I once took an Excedrin for a headache at the dental office,

and Dr. Jayson made me lay back in a chair for half and hour because my blood pressure got too out of control. It was kind of scary.

It hit me at a red light, luckily, and I was barely able to fling the car door open before I threw up all over the street.

I was grateful for the "no eating after midnight the night before" rule, because all that came up was the water I had in the recovery room,

and it was raining that day. Kind of a blessing.

I threw up twice more on the way home,

once in the Albertson's parking lot and one on the side of the road

(that one was a close one, Colin had to pull over super fast)

The puking made me hurt, too.

We got home and Colin basically carried me inside and set me up on the couch.

He gave me pillows and blankets and set up my heating pad,

and made sure that I took my Medrol and Norco.

(Medrol is a med that helps prevent your body from rejecting the embryos)

Unfortunately, he also had to get me a "throw-up" bowl

since I up-chucked yet again about ten minutes after I took the pills.

After that my stomach calmed down a bit, and I was able to keep down gatorade and crackers thankfully.

(the Dr. said to drink as much gatorade as possible to help with the swelling)

At that point, all I wanted to do was sleep.

Colin was so sweet - he sat next to me pretty much all day to watch over me.

Every time I woke up, he would make sure I drank some gatorade and hold my hand.

I vaguely remember watching the first couple episodes of Daredevil on Netflix with him.

Just thinking about it makes me tear up;

I have the world's best husband, hands down.

But remember the part where I puked ten minutes after taking my meds?

Well, I was so out of it, I didn't even think about my pain meds even though I hurt so bad.

The Norco didn't have enough time in my stomach to make any difference with my pain,

so I went the first twelve hours after surgery without pain medication.

I think back on it now and think "Wow, that makes me sound so brave!"

Trust me, it was stupidity. Take the dang meds.

Being the lightweight that I am, it took way longer to recover than they told me it would.

I don't blame them; I'm just the world's biggest wuss.

I spent days on end laying on that dang couch, 

watching Daredevil, The Walking Dead, and 30 Rock on Netflix.

It got really boring really fast.

I also slept a lot, which was kind of fun.

My ovaries were so swollen, it made my whole stomach bloat,

regardless of how much gatorade I consumed (which was a ton).

I looked like I was about 4 or 5 months pregnant, and I'm not kidding.

I felt disgusting, and it didn't help that I wasn't even able to stand up straight.

I felt like my stomach muscles were so short that I couldn't stand up, it felt so weird.

After day four, I was able to start stretching out a little bit, but it was a really slow and painful process.

I was starting to get really nervous for the embryo transfer,

because I knew I was going to be awake for it.

If I hurt this bad, that idea of having a catheter in there... *shudder*

Dr. Maas called us on Sunday morning and let us know that out of the 25 eggs they extracted, 22 of them were mature enough to fertilize.

AND out of the 22 they implanted, 16 of them fertilized.

I was excited, because we had such a good chance of conception with that many embryos!

He called us again at the three day mark, letting us know that 11 of the 16 were still in the running. Woohoo!

He did warn us that the biggest drop off was between the three and five day development stage, and he was predicting to lose half of those.

I was surprised, but apparently that's pretty normal.

During that call, he also asked us about the number of embryos that we wanted to transfer.

We have decided to transfer two embryos. I would much rather have possible twins than only transfer one and have it not take, and Colin agrees. Yikes! :)

We scheduled the transfer for 2pm that Thursday for the 5 day transfer.

It was finally happening! :) :)

I was still worried about my slow recovery, but that phone call made me determined to go through with the transfer anyway. Even if it was painful, this was happening.

Finally, on Wednesday night (the night before the transfer)

another miracle happened...

all of the sudden, my stomach and ovaries felt better.

I was sitting on the couch, sighing in frustration at my boredom as I told Netflix (yet again) that I was indeed still watching 30 Rock,

when I decided to stand up and grab another snack from the kitchen.

 So I stood up and walking into the kitchen,

and it wasn't until I had already grabbed the cheese and crackers when I realized

I was standing up straight, and the pain was nearly gone!

I wanted to cry, it felt so GOOD to be able to move again without bending over.

Granted, I was still swollen like crazy, but the pain was gone!

I finally felt ready to have those embryos transferred. 

It was such a HUGE blessing, and I felt at peace with the procedure.

I slept great that night.

There is so much more to tell, but this post is getting insanely long!

 I will leave it here for now. :)

Fat, Sore, and Quite Literally Walking Funny...

Alright, guys!

Sorry my blog update was a little delayed,

but I decided I wanted to wait until I started experiencing the side effects of the injections

to make things a little more interesting.

:)

So my first injection was given to me at my appointment by the nurse,

and I had my poker face on - so it went fine.

I've been meaning to take a video of how we mix the meds into the syringe.

it's pretty neat.

Don't worry, I'll get that video and put it up here within the next few days.

My first injection at home, however, was a different story.

Poor Colin, haha!

I cried, I admit it... and I did that panicking thing where I grabbed his wrist and wouldn't let go.

We sat there for like five minutes before I would let him do it.

When I finally calmed down, he was able to pinch some fat and 

insert the needle into my tummy 

(subcutaneous is the official term for this type of shot)

The needle itself doesn't even feel like anything going in,

it's the Bravelle and Menopur mix that bites a little going in.

Honestly, though, that's it.

Colin is SO great at it, I don't know what I'd do without him.

He's so patient and he's never tried to do it until I'm ready,

which is really comforting.

I love my husband, with or without the crazy hormones raging through my body right now. ;)

My husband is the best. 

(who woulda thought a man holding a needle in front of you could be so hott??)

Anyway, my first appointment last Monday consisted of an ultrasound and a blood draw -- in addition to the injection training, which only took about ten minutes.

That appointment went well, ultrasounds are pretty simple and I don't really sweat those anymore.

and...

the same with the blood draws!!

That one's a pretty big deal for me.

You may think I'm weird for being so proud of myself for that,

but really - coming from someone who consistently passes out giving blood

that's a pretty big step.

The only thing that sucks about the blood draws is my poor arms get SO bruised!

The tech told me that it's because I'm taking the low dose (baby) aspirin,

which is kind of a blood thinner, so I will bruise more easily.

No bruising on my tummy, though, because Dr. Hubbs has taken such good care of me! ;)

After my Monday appointment, I was instructed to administer the 

Bravelle/Menopur injections every morning around the same time.

Simple enough, and we got used to the routine pretty quickly.

My next appointment was on Friday,

which was another ultrasound and blood draw.

They look at each ultrasound to measure how my follicles are doing,

and as of today they are progressing really nicely!

I actually was told I didn't need to keep my Saturday appointment,

and then I had my fun Easter appointment (totally sarcastic).

I can't remember the exact moment when it started happening,

but I'm assuming it must've been Saturday

because my Friday appointment was super easy.

But I started feeling my follicles growing,

or something like that, I don't know.

It's really hard to explain the feeling, but it is NOT pleasant.

My ovaries feel really heavy, and if I sit wrong or walk too quickly I start feeling a lot of heavy pressure.

I wouldn't call it painful, necessarily, but it's just really uncomfortable.

I also swelled up like a freaking balloon. 

I've never felt more bloated in my life.

But I need to get used to it, I guess.

:(

So on Easter, the ultrasound took probably two to three times as long

because they were measuring each individual follicle in each ovary.

I'm not gonna lie, I cried.

It was the first time that an ultrasound had been genuinely painful,

and it felt like it lasted forever!

They did count 41 follicles total, though, which is an awesome number!

They also informed me (very casually, I might add) that because my uterus is tilted back towards my tail bone, my pregnancies are going to give me "extreme lower back pain".

Which makes me TOTALLY excited...

(okay, that was sarcastic, but I'd take an uncomfortable pregnancy over infertility any day of the week)

After the blood draw 

(which they do each appointment to check my progesterone levels, by the way)

the nurse came back in and informed me that the Dr. would like me to start the daily Ganirelex injections now and increase my Menopur by 1 vial.

(so when I finally post the video, you'll see I mix a sterile water with 2 vials of Bravelle and 2 of Menopur)

So the Bravelle/Menopur help in the development of the follicles,

and the Ganirelex basically stops me from ovulating.

She then showed me the measurements of my follicles,

the biggest one I had was in my right ovary at 14.8 mm!

They told me that my right ovary had larger follicles than the left,

the biggest one on the left was 11 or 12,

but the measurements were good enough to where the Ganirelex was needed.

So now I get to take two injections a day. Lovely.

The Ganirelex kind of scares me, too, 

because each injection HAS to be within 24 hours of each other.

You can't even go a minute past 24 hours, 

or else you risk ovulating and losing all of those pretty follicles you've worked so hard to develop. 

:(

So I took my first Ganirelex last night 

(we decided to do this one in the evenings)

and it was awesome!

The needle is the same size as my other syringe,

the medication is ALREADY mixed and ready to go,

and there is absolutely no sting to it!

I didn't even feel anything, which was SUCH a big relief!

Anyway,

I got to skip my appointment today 

(the appointments are very tentative at this point).

But I'll be there again tomorrow for another ultrasound/blood draw.

As of right now, things are looking good enough to where my egg extraction surgery will probably be on Friday or Saturday.

Maybe even Thursday, but I kind of doubt it.

Five days after that, our little embryo(s) will be ready to transfer!

It's kind of freaky to think about,

 and I was a lot more nervous about it this time last week,

but I'm not as much anymore.

I've been waiting so long for this to happen,

and I've been really good about doing what I'm supposed to do with all this,

and honestly the only emotion I'm having now is eagerness.

Let's get this show on the road, people!

Haha, but really, it's finally here! :)

I may post another update between now and the surgery if anything changes.

If not, I'll try to get a detailed account of how the surgery goes.

I'm going to be completely anesthetized, but I'm sure they'll fill me in. :)

Again, feel free to message me with any questions!