This post has been "under construction" for quite some time now. It's safe to say I've re-written this more times than I could count, both in my head and on paper. There's so much that I want to say, but I'm terrified to express it at the same time.
Why am I writing this, then, do you ask?
I know there are other people out there who are struggling with the same thing, and I wanted them to know they are not alone.
As a Latter-Day-Saint, this particular point in my life is very difficult. We are encouraged to multiply and replenish the earth, and everyone around us is doing just that. Family is the focal point of our entire culture; we are asked to raise our children in the Gospel, and continually teach them to choose the right and live worthy lives so we can all be together forever. We are encouraged to not let finances or school or whatever other obstacle we face get in the way of making this sacred decision.
But what if things don't work out the way you plan? What if you are, quite literally, the only couple out of your married friends that seems to still be waiting for that precious miracle to occur in YOUR life?
What if this is it?
What if your eternal family is just a family of two?
How empty would that feel?
This is what I've struggled with for the past two years.
I made the decision a long time ago; I was ready to have a baby. I was ready to welcome a darling little child into our family. A baby with curly dark hair and Colin's eyes was what I've always pictured. I was ready... I still am ready. I feel like I've been ready for the past two years.
It took about a year for us to finally start worrying; why hadn't it happened yet? Each month grew harder and harder for me; I reached the point where I would break down and sob for hours each time I received that negative result on my pregnancy test. So many tears, so much stress, and so much worrying. That more or less describes my outlook on life for the past two years.
What are we doing wrong? What am I doing wrong? Are we being punished for not living worthy lives?
Everywhere I went, people were asking the question:
"when are you going to have kids?"
or worse:
"Why don't you guys have kids yet? You need to get on that!"
I became very good at avoiding the question and brushing it off casually,
but in reality each remark cut deeper than anyone could possibly know.
Many of my friends have had success in expanding their families, and their children are all beautiful. Everything seemed to be working out for them, and although I knew they were aware of our struggle, I feel like a lot of them felt uncomfortable even bringing up the subject.
To be honest, I was too.
What are you supposed to talk about when you can't stand the subject of children, when all your friends have them and can't help but gush about how amazing it is to be blessed with them? They can't help it, I would be too, but it's still hard. Because of this, I found myself alienated from even my closest friends; I was too scared to be around those things that made me hurt so badly, so I didn't make the proper effort to maintain those friendships.
It's very depressing, and I began to get discouraged.
There has only been one other time in my life where I can recall the clouded mind and constantly fatigued body that I began to feel, and I was terrified to find that it was starting to happen to me again.
I felt reality slowly start to slip from my grasp; there are entire days and weeks that I simply cannot remember. I was so numb and distant from the rest of the world, consumed by my own fear and self pity. All I could think about was how much I wanted a baby, and I wanted one now. I continuously tortured myself by reading hundreds of articles about babies and allowed that to consume all of my spare time, I spammed my email with multiple monthly subscriptions to different baby-mother website; it became almost an obsession.
Each time I saw a silly pregnancy post on facebook, I would totally lose it. I've had coworkers (and even my own sister) announce that they are expecting; each time I found out, I would hide from the world and cry for hours. I've had friends announce that they had made the decision to start trying for a baby, and I was selfish enough to hope that I would get pregnant first, just so the news would be bearable instead of painful.
I stopped caring about a lot of things; continuing my education, work, friends, I almost didn't care that these things were slipping away from me.
I made very little effort to familiarize myself with my coworkers at my new job at the dental office, and yet I grew angry and bitter that I wasn't fitting in. I made absolutely no effort to contact my friends, and I still blamed them for our lack of communication.
Those were very dark times for me, and the worst part was, I don't know if my family had any idea just how badly I was hurting. I can put on quite a face, even if I feel absolutely terrible, ask anyone. It pains me to say that I'm not sure if Colin even had any idea how bad of a state I was in.
It took herculean effort to get out of bed each morning and force a smile onto my face.
It took a long time for me to realize that I didn't have to go through this alone. My amazing husband was there through it all, saw me at my worst, held me while I cried each month. Why didn't I realize that before?
There were other people who have been through what I've gone through, other people who understand the pain and the depression that I have dealt with. How could I not have seen that?
I slowly began to open up to those around me again; I started trying to get to know my coworkers, and now I have some of the greatest friends that I've ever had. I've been more open about our issues with those friends, and I have received nothing but love and support from them. I even discovered that there are many, many people that had the same issues before they had children. I wouldn't have known those things if I hadn't have opened up in the first place. They knew how I felt, they were able to provide me with much needed words of encouragement, and they shared their insights on infertility treatments that they'd been through, etc.
I began to feel hopeful; not necessarily that I would get pregnant soon, but that it will be okay if I don't.
My sister told me the other day that I was a great aunt to my sweet little nephews, just in a casual way, but it impacted me more than I had ever expected it to.
Colin and I recently received a calling at church that will allow us to supervise and teach young children.
I finally mustered up the courage to take steps in pursuing my dream of becoming an elementary school teacher.
I feel like all of these are and will be huge blessings. If it's going to take five or ten more years before I have children, why spend it beating myself up and taking it out on those around me? Why not do something good by loving and nurturing the children that I teach, or focusing on being the best aunt to those amazing little boys that I'm lucky enough to call my nephews?
And if, although I am hoping this isn't the case, we are unable to have children in this Earthly life... I want to be able to focus on being the happiest I can be with what we have.
For those of you who took the time to read this, thank you. It means a lot to me, especially now, to let those I love know what I am going through.
All I ask is for patience; be patient with me, reach out to me if you feel like I'm distancing myself. This is something that I am struggling to work through, and I feel like it's getting better each and every day.
To my friends with little ones, please update me on every amazing little thing your children do! My heart, where before felt sorrow, feels the most overwhelming joy when I hear and see these things (and yes, that means keep the facebook posts coming).
I am sorry that I've been absent from your life, please forgive me.
If you are going through difficult times, we all do, just know that we never have to go through it alone. Not only do we have our families and friends there to support us, our Father in Heaven loves all of us and is just waiting for us and hoping that we will turn to Him so he can help us endure to the end, and I have a firm testimony that He will.
Please feel free to send me a message if you need someone to talk to. I may not know exactly what you're going through, but I hope that my publishing my story will help you to express yours.
Trust me, it feels so much better once you let others know.
I am so grateful that I was able to snap out of that terrible state I was in. I am grateful for all of the support from my wonderful family and friends - old and new. I am grateful for the Gospel in my life; if I didn't have it, I am positive that this obstacle would have been too much for me to bear. I know that with Christ, my burden can be made light. I know that Heavenly Father loves me, and I love Him so much, even though sometimes I feel like I could do a better job of showing that to Him. I know that families are forever, and I am so excited to see what the future holds for mine!
