Well, it happened!
Last Thursday at 2pm, two little "petri dish babies" made their way
into where they will (hopefully) be spending the next 9 months!!
Holy cow, they're seriously in there?!
It doesn't seem real yet, and I'm not sure if it ever will.
The idea that I could be pregnant, right here and now...
... it's pretty surreal.
Anyway, rewinding to the day of the transfer...
I woke up super early that morning, and I was instantly awake.
Now that my pain was almost completely gone, I wasn't nervous in the slightest.
I was getting impregnated today!!
I took a nice long bubble bath, taking extra time to get ready.
Just because I could, it made me happy. :)
Colin gave me a blessing before heading to work,
which made things even better.
The anticipation was killing me! I was watching the clock like crazy!
We got to the office right on time, but for some reason they were running behind.
We had to sit in the waiting room for about a half and hour,
but I was in such a good mood that I didn't mind waiting a little longer.
Colin and I were pretty silly, talking and laughing.
The front desk lady asked me if I'd received my Valium yet
(they give you Valium on the day of the transfer because it's a muscle relaxer and it prevents your uterus from doing any crazy contracting)
She seemed surprised when I said no, probably because Colin and I seemed so happy.
:)
When the RN took us back, the room looked just like the room from my ER.
The lights were dim, the table had a comfy blanket and pillow, just overall relaxing.
They gave me a Valium and let us know Dr. Maas would be in shortly.
They let us wait for about fifteen minutes for the Valium to kick in, but to be honest I didn't really feel any different when they started.
I didn't say anything, though, because I just wanted to get started already! :)
Apparently the Valium had kicked in, but I didn't feel it until after, more on that later.
So Dr. Maas and the RN worked together to get the ultrasound set up properly.
Since the ultrasound was pelvic instead of - you know, vaginal - ick! - the RN just had to hold the little sensor to my tummy once she found the right position and that was that.
The catheter wasn't all that bad, it was that stupid clamp
(you know, the ones they use during a pap smear).
It actually felt similar to a pap smear, which was way better than I was expecting.
They kind of rinse everything out before they get started
(TMI, but they have me on a vaginal progesterone cream every morning to boost my chances of conception)
They turned the screen towards us (Colin was sitting in a chair next to my bed)
so we could watch everything, and he showed us as he got the catheter into place near the uterine lining.
This room was connected to the laboratory, and the door connecting the two was now open and a tech was there holding the tube with my babies in it!
Once the catheter was in place, the tech handed him the second catheter tube.
The tube holding the embryos was slightly smaller than the already placed catheter,
so all the Dr has to do is thread it through and he's there.
It was a really special moment to see the little white specs floating through that catheter.
The Dr. informed us that the specs weren't the embryos themselves,
but it was the fluid surrounding them that we were seeing.
I tried really hard not to cry during this, but how exciting is that?!
I got to watch my little petri dish babies float right up in there!
I was over the moon happy, and the Dr. even froze the ultrasound before removing the catheter so he could capture our very first ultrasound picture of them!
They're kind of hard to pinpoint at first, but if you look closely
They are underneath the two darker circles.
They are little white masses, they almost look like they're connected.
So I guess it kind of looks like a white line, but there they are! :)
I have been given strict instructions to remain on bed rest for 2 to 4 days,
so naturally I didn't make a move from that couch until day 5.
I have been doing everything in my power to remain as calm and still as possible.
Bed rest has made me absolutely crazy, especially after having been on it for almost a week before the transfer, but I don't want to have any regrets.
They call this the 2 week wait (2ww) in the IVF community, and it's been hard.
Now, here comes the serious question:
What if it doesn't work?
I've had several people ask me in the past week, for good reason.
Trust me, it's something that has been on my mind since before we even began this whole process.
The Dr. told us we have a 60-65% chance of success with these particular embryos,
but we always need to plan for every possible outcome.
It's hard for me to think about, but I'll have to face it like an adult.
I've spent all of this time feeding my desperate hope for good news, and now the time has come to face the reality that things may not work out how I am picturing them.
My answer to that question, after much reflection, is as follows:
If it doesn't work, it will be hard. It will feel impossible to recover from, and I know that. I will want to be alone, I will need to be alone, at least for a while. I will cry, and sleep, and pretty much shut the world out for a while, but I don't see anything wrong with that. Infertility is one of the hardest things a person could go through, especially for those of us who want children as badly as I do. One thing that I've learned from the life I've lived is that sometimes you need to cry it out, sometimes you need to let yourself grieve. I'm not going to attempt to "appear" okay, because I won't be. Ultimately, I'll be okay though. I've gone through many disappointments before, seen countless months of negative pregnancy tests, and I've always bounced back. I'll get through this because my Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and I'm confident that He is taking care of me and my family. I will fast and pray for strength, and eventually open up to family and friends for support, and then I will be happy again. I will strive to be a better wife, a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend, and a better aunt to my sweet nephews - and I will be okay.
That's the cold, hard truth.
Even now, I struggled to hold back tears as I wrote those words.
But I'm trying to focus on the good.
I mean, 65% is a really high chance.
There's so much good that has come out of this,
I've learned so much about myself.
It turns out I'm a lot stronger and braver than I thought I ever could be.
And 65%. :)
65% chance that I could end up with one (or even two) little spirit(s) to add to our family.
I could be growing two little people inside of me right this moment.
That, in itself, is a beautiful thought.
Please keep our family in your prayers at this time,
not necessarily asking for the embryos to "stick",
but to give our family the comfort and peace to get through whatever happens.
We'll be better for this experience, I know it. We already are better. :)
Now, I know I've been really open during this whole process about how we've been feeling and what we've been going through,
but at this time I'm going to have to take myself away for a while.
My family needs time to process the news, good or bad,
and I will need time to prepare a cute little announcement,
or time to properly "pull myself together".
Don't expect any Facebook or blog posts for a while regarding my IVF journey. I am distancing myself from the social media community until after. I'm sure you understand.
Thank you so much for all of your support throughout all of this, this blog has been very therapeutic for me - almost like a journal - through this process.
I know my babies are in good hands until I meet them. :)
